I think I'm back...

Where I'm at

I’ve had a break that consisted of some routine mornings where writing just for the free flow therapeutic benefit for myself was top of my priorities. It’s been really rewarding. It’s been a time of reflection, breathing coming out the other side of grief season and realising the very changing sea of needs and wants and wishes that navigating that grief both now and in the future brings.

Griefy season starts in February with my friend’s Jane’s anniversary, spans through March when John first got sick, when I have my friend Melanie’s anniversary, a good friend lost her Dad in March also, then April when we have John’s birthday, our anniversary (would have been 35 years this year!), our baby’s 18th and John’s anniversary (also my Dad’s birthday). I thought there was a full stop there, and I had a wee breather but realised since, we bleed into more sad significant dates in May. My birthday, shared with my Mum (now passed also), coincided with the loss of my friend’s Mum this year too. And then yesterday, post holiday glow and all, I realised it was my Dad’s anniversary. I have mastered ignoring that apart from a nice thought about him and digging out some poetry to remember him by and I breathe.

It’s been a roller coaster with a lot of stuff going on unrelated to the grief. Challenging to say the least but ultimately a learning curve I’m navigating quite well and having chatted to my therapist this morning a fine barometer of progress made thus far. Relationships, old patterns, new ones, boundaries (who knew?), and being clear enough to know I can also be wrong and admit it. More honesty, less people pleasing. More mess, more unmasking and definitely an awful lot more AuDHD-ing beautiful chaos. There is no organised right now but that’s OK.

I have swimming and a new project related to that brewing in the background.

I’m seeing Jessie next week - so there will be more Messy, Mortal and Magnificent shenanigans relating to grief, loss, mourning, neurodivergence, relationships, spirituality and our own unique take on all of it in the near future I sincerely hope.

I had a holiday, in the sun which was beautiful and full of good memories and happy days and heat - remember that?

I have new poetry I wrote in that little time out too which I may share if I am brave enough too.

I have a fictional story brewing which I think might be moving, sad and I hope ultimately uplifting - I have yet to begin the research but watch this space.

Friendships have featured for me in a big way lately - the importance of them, especially the die hard ones that existed on the fringes for the long term but pull together around a friend in need when it is needed. The importance of friends being there and making time and space for unconditional, non-judgmental love and support for navigating the tough times and the losses as well as cheer leading the wins has really come to the fore lately too. I get emotional about this - my friends from school (some of them primary) are integral in my life and I’m so honoured and proud to still have each and everyone. And newer friends - ones I made since my kids were little and I got involved in groups and schemes - still thriving and bringing me so much camaraderie and joy. Family too. Catching up with people, spending time, breathing into the abundance that brings. Gold dust.

Dogs. Ageing doggo Ted is cause for reflection and vet visits but in good spirits and still living as the oldest pupper in town. I’m aware of his years (12) and the limit of the time we may have left, but I’m hopeful and resolved to feeling grateful for every fucking second his farty butt sits next to me as I move through my day.

Younger dogs are well and wreaking havoc on my new found passion - gardening. Another new thing to the mix!

So that’s some of the stuff in my head now verbally vomited onto the screen for your information and hopefully your enjoyment and maybe a little resonance.

I’m glad I’m back. I’m unsure where to start but I have a lot to say. I hope you’ll stay for the ensuing chaos.

Much love, A xxx